Loneliness
There is a pain
It feels like school dances and crowded carousels
Conversations with no pauses for a breath or a sip of beer
Records left skipping as people filter out of doorways
It is a pain that lingers longer amidst the swarms of bodies
A pain that finds a way to seep through the crowd
I believed it must be loneliness
For loneliness was the chair beside the window at a party
Where no one bothered to sit
Simply because the breeze might pick up and sneak through the cracks of
the old window panes
And who could ever desire the cold
When there is a certain warmth that accompanies the stinging
swig of a drink
And the feeling of her beside you as she brushes against your hand
Yet this pain burrowing in the pit of my chest
This breeze that makes me shudder
Could never be loneliness
Yes, loneliness was a wooden chair
But it was also a joy
Loneliness was knowing that my solitude was not in vain
That looking up at the sky as the clouds fill with rain and lightly spill
That watching the faces change around me when that song
burst forth from the speaker
Was not a nagging sorrow
Yet perhaps a painful delight
For I received a greater amount of satisfaction from observing
Amidst the foaming drinks and the worn out floorboards and the way
the moon looks through the cracks in the roof
I felt at peace
Heartbroken that I may never dip as deeply into the human desires of
the flesh
Yet thankful that it was occurring right before my eyes
So I may watch and detail the events of those winter nights
I saw
Each bit of the pain and the pleasure
And every part in between
Every part that makes us scream our humanity through lyrics
strung together and lights burning too bright
I write
For the people who experience
The people who vanish with their desires far into the night
The Fog/A Lighthouse
The slow, unrelenting fog
Rolls in from the sea
Is it merely meant to blind and suffocate me?
I stand as strong as a pillar
A beacon through the gray
And watch as the ships I call are still led astray
I once knew true warmth
Amidst the sun and the waves
Amidst the lapping, cool waters
Long painted days
My light reflected across the water’s midnight blue
And was the radiance that brought my aching heart to you
Storms arrive, as they must
Despite how desperately I tried
To let go of the reins
To shed my grounded pride
I once battled the forces that dared to frighten me
Yet summer days soon became but a child’s fruitless plea
I can still hear their screams
The spray and the dust
Hulls splintering against rocks
Anchors tainted with rust
I had become what I most feared
What a sight to behold
A lighthouse unable to combat the wind
Unable to withstand the cold
The fog
Once an idea
Now realized and true
I cannot seem to salvage my heart’s tie to you
Our ship crashed and fractured
Our bright sails torn loose
Solitude is an inevitable, yet merciless truth
I am a lighthouse
Yet was I destined for this?
A solemn existence of which few may wish
Isolated and stoic
Silent and proud
The voices that once whispered within me grow hungry and loud
They clang and they clatter
What a torment, I cry
They make up the hazy mist that settles as it lies
For the solitude that crowds and blinds my true view
Is a fog that no lighthouse may ever break through.
Found
How do I know if I lost myself
I wanted to scream
From the tops of the buildings
From the chimneys with steam
Yet my voice grew hoarse and my lungs hung sore
For no sound can surface from behind a closed door
How can others play their roles so well
I never did know
From the chrysanthemum’s blossom
To the flurries of winter snow
Everything had a time and a place
A colossal event for which I was unfathomably late
How can I piece myself together
I endeavored to try
With each steady stitch
Behind both tired eyes
The fragments of heart, the prices I owe
Made up someone familiar who had escaped long ago